Classic essays of the 21st century
by Darth Oddish
Summary: Garak lends a book from his lunch-chum Bashir. A collection of nonsense essays, come and try them out!
1. Chapter 1

Classic essays of the 21st century.

This story was written in cooperation with Kayleigh24, visit here page, she'll like that.

Kayleigh24 & Darth Oddish

2008

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Garak sat down in his comfortable chair. He had laid down the work for this evening and reserved some time to spend it on supporting one of his hobby's; the always pleasant discussiond with Doctor Bashir. This time he had been given one of the doctor's classics. According to Bashir this one was quite good, but Garak's hopes weren't very high. Most of the books the good doctor recommended were a little soft in the tailor's mind. The value's were typical human and he mostly didn't share them. There also were not enough deaths in his opinion.

He brought the lights down to a more comfortable level for cardassian eyes and picked up the padd. Classic essays of the 21st century. "Let's see what this'll bring." He thought.

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The following essays where written in English class or in the dull moments of school. (a.k.a. Gap hours) The amount will expand, but it cantake a while.


	2. Terror From The Sky

Terror from the sky

Do you hate it when you are lying in your bed and a plane flies by and wakes you up (for the 6th time TODAY!). Do you get aggravated when your home lies next to an airport? Do feel sorry for yourself when you are walking the dog? Yes, Yes, Yes, the answer is Yes. Know the terror truly begins, even if your home is in the middle of nowhere with not a plane in sight, you still live next to the airport. THE AIRPORT OF BIOLOGICAL DESTRUCTIVENESS aka birds. Therefore our statement: Birds should not be allowed to fly (yes at all!).

First off, they pollute. They pollute the air in which we have to live as well. Not only do they just take a dump everywhere, but they also use our oxygen (which we NEED, BADLY!) and fume out C02 gases which enhances global warming. By doing that they raise the see level and destroy all other mammals on earth. Therefore one could conclude that birds have evil plans with the world.

Besides comparing them with Stalin and or Mao have the ability to effectively execute suicide missions on OUR planes. That is just their revenge for our resistance against gravity and their monopolistic rule of the sky. They fly up with the intention to get "trapped" into an engine and die, along with ONE LITTLE BIRD goes an entire plane. Yes, four hundred of us for one of them. Fair, I do not think so…

As if that was not enough they also spread the bird flue, infecting millions of us. Yes, again they turn the tables on us, like the advanced species they think they are. Humans have agreed not to use biological weapons, but birds however are a different case. They use biological weapons at every chance they get. They just love it, do they not?

But that is not enough for them…nooo!! They even target the weaker in our community; little old ladies. The little old friendly nice ladies try to make amends for the prolonged lifetime war between man and bird, but what do they get: no concessions on the other side, and a garden that is destroyed. Because you see, they attack the bird food that they display in the garden and wreck havoc on everything you tried to make look nice in the summer. So that next summer you can start over again, on your once so perfect garden. The bastards.

So as you can see birds may not be allowed to fly because if they do not fly, they can not get around (because they have not invented public transportation…yet). If they can not fly and can not get around they will cease to terrorize us. Take them out of the sky, knock 'em dead, use your shot gun if you must. But what ever you do, try to put a stop to this eternal fight. Because, we need to survive (we had the whole evolution thing and should live to benefit this) and they are just as wicked, as evil, as slimy, as redundant, as low to the ground, as screwing, as attention seeking buggers, as low life scum of the earth while flying in the air as ever. Our solution: take of their wings and put them in New Zealand.

AU

We don't hate birds, actually had/have birds…but come on…it is annoying when they crap on your head!!

We actually had to write an essay for English class and we turned this one in, there was no comments on it…weird!

Yes pointless fanfic…but still, hoped you lieked it!


	3. Look Out!

**Look out!**

Have you ever seen a blind man on the street. Looking so sad, people bumping into him all the time. And to top it off, the poor man also has to carry around a stick and a dog! As if he wasn't having a hard enough time as it was. And you know they have to walk along the funny shaped bumps in the road so they can follow them with their funny sticks. They have to do this, or else they might get flattened by a sports car, and cause a huge traffic jam! But think about the blind people in Gambia, they don't have the funny shaped bumps in the road. How do they stay alive walking out in the dessert with only a stick to poke around, and no funny shaped bumps. And the poor sand creatures that live there, they get poked with a stick all the time.  
So man kind thought they found a solution; genetically enhanced kids. Before they even come out of the womb (nice and warm, in contradiction to outside of it…cold and people run over you if you're blind and you didn't follow the funny shaped bumps in the road) they make their children blind proof. BUT the question is, is this a good thing? Blind people have many positive things to add to society.

First off, no genetic enhancements means no genetic war. No one dies because of weird mutations of the genetic process. Meaning no weird mutated kids living in the ceiling of your school. And don't act like you're pretending that they're not there…because you know they are! No ones building mutation proof bomb shelters in their backyards. In case they plan the attack, which they will eventually. Do you want that future for your kids? Of course not, doom is never pleasant…unless you are causing it, but assuming you are one of the good guys…very unpleasant indeed.

Secondly blind people can earn lots of money, assuming they don't get robbed, which could happen seeing the fact that they are easy targets being blind and all. There are different ways for a blind guy to become rich, for instance they can walk your dog! If your dog doesn't get splattered out by a truck, the dog will be carefully walked and very happy, no dog has ever been that far, because the blind guy doesn't know the way back. An other job for blind people is being a beggar. Being a beggar is an easy job, you don't need any real experience, you only need to have a good strong voice and enough flesh on your ass, because it will get dissolved eventually. You only need to know the phrase: Help me, I'm blind. Also they can save money by pretending to get into an accident and get into the hospital and get free food and free meds. The beds are very warm and soft, and may very well come in handy in the winter. On this they can save tons of money.

Of a blind man there is another positive effect, they can get women like there's no tomorrow! Take a look at the blind man's life for one day. When he's walking the dog he attracts a lot of women who are easily sawed by the sweet looking dog besides the man. A walk in the park for a blind guy is like being James Bond, without the guns. However this man's life is a bit more dangerous, he can get run over every time he goes to the supermarket and risks his life every time he gets out to get the news paper (AN: sense the irony). His weapons are a dangerous stick, a dog at his side AT ALL TIMES! (loyal as hell!), black glasses, you never know what he is looking at and nobody suspects you of anything!

Now a few of the smaller advantages of being blind. They have private clubs: blinds only. They have special fan meetings, were they worship their blind leader. They can write books about being blind. They have awesome software, that you can talk and the software translates it into writing. You do not need to go into the army when being blind, not being able to see the man with guns and all. So no dying on the other side of the globe, unless he or she got hit by a car there on holiday or unfortunately stumbled into a plane. They do not need to be social at all, people respect them never the less. They ALWAYS learn a secret language (AN: you know which language). They have sharpened sense, that comes with the blindness as a little perk of mother nature. You can feel like Indiana Jones, never been there before ..they think.

Okay, now that you know the perks of being blind, I feel it's time you should be able to become a wanted member in this society.

How to become blind in a few easy steps.

The first point leaves you many options, a few of the most used are: jam something (anything) in your eye, use superglue or other sticky stuff of which the box says NOT to use near your eyes (they're jealous!)…caution: watch out for your fingers!

Destroy your eye nerves, this is a bit trickier and it might be useful to have a friend who is an eye surgeon or happen to have a knife. If you don't (could happen) then use your already learned knowledge of blind people and pretend to have been in an accident and get in the hospital. They will have the stuff there, for sure!

Get in touch with other blind people, they will show you to the most exclusive blind people things. And you will get in fore sure, because you're blind, how can they refuse?

Now you are initiated…be happy this is what you wanted!

Then there is the off chance that you want to become a blind person but still want to see, or because you can't take pain (weirdo) you can pretend to be blind. In normal situations this might be a bit tricky, but the people who you want to join are blind, so it shouldn't be too hard.

So this was your easy guide to blindness. We cannot be held responsible for anything you have just read (assuming you didn't skip anything) and decided to act on it.

By the way  
If you read this to a blind friend, please use a funny voice.

By the way number two

If you read this to any friend, please use a funny voice.

By the way number three

If you read this to anyone, please use a funny voice.

By the way number four

Please read this to somebody.

By the way number five

BLIND PEOPLE RULE…as you already read.

By the way number six

Thanks for reading

By the way number seven

If you continue to read this, you are :  
a. a very smart person

b. wanting to be blind desperately

c. very stupid

d. blind

e. trying to figure out if this is the end of the story

f. waiting till you see the review box to complain, praise.

g. illiterate

h. really wondering if the story has a plot (AN: it doesn't so if you are one of those people, please don't stop reading here!)

THE END

Author's note,

We hope you weren't offended by any of this, if you were please do note that we have absolutely nothing against blind people and wish them nothing but well. Also, we have to many hours at school were we have to wait till the next classes, things can get boring…sorry!


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